Emily Hayward

Our last Cwtch

Monday 27th Oct

Whilst Nanny lived mostly happily with dementia for many years she passed away due to oesophageal cancer.

It was a difficult few last months. We noticed she was not able to keep food down and was loosing weight rapidly so in November my mum bundled her in to the car took her to the Gp who said she needed to go to the hospital. It was very hard for both her and grandad as they were not often separated. Understandably the new environment made Nanny more confused and made carrying out any further testing quite difficult. At first they thought it was a hernia, which I thought great it can be repaired and she can continue with life with grandads support, however it turned out to be much worse. She spent that last Christmas in hospital, It was just after Christmas when we got a call to ask all the family to come in to discuss what the options were. As nurses mum and I knew that clearly this wasn’t a hernia and was bad news. We found out it was cancer on a Saturday… it’s really odd as I remember going in and seeing nanny and she was really lucid. She was asking about my sisters university course and about the kids however the cancer was impacting her speech so it was hard for her to talk. I was one of the first people in to see her that day and I actually walked out in the the corridor before mum walked in and said “ it’s really weird but nanny is having a really good day, she is asking about all these things and isn’t confused at all but is having a hard time talking”. For me this moment, this day, as devastating as it was to know she had cancer and we wouldn’t be treating it, was such a beautiful day of her being really lucid. On reflection this is something that medical professionals call “ a surge” it’s a small burst of energy or lucidly before some one passes away. By the Tuesday I got a call from mum suggesting that I go back down to the hospital as things had taken a turn for the worst. We had a peaceful side room, I held her hand, my aunties and I talked around Nanny’s bed and everything just stood still for a short while. I don’t know why.. but I just felt it was my time to leave and go back home and wait for the inevitable news, I’m not sure if Nanny gave me a sign, but I just knew I should drive back home and leave my Auntie around her. It takes me around an hour to drive from Wales back to Somerset. But as if she knew I pulled up home, had a cuddle with my husband and then got a message or call from mum saying Nanny had taken her last breath. 

Despite the pain of grief I’m so grateful I had  such a wonderful Nanny who was so involved in my up bringing and shaping me as a person, I’m thankful I got so much time with her and despite her dementia and confusion we had so many laughs and giggles and that last snippet of lucidity on that Saturday was such a blessing.

She was and is still so proud of me I know as she would always say “Emily and Jamie, they are such hard workers” and I know she would be proud of me doing these miles with my little sausages by my side which have both helped so much with healing.

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Nanny-isms

Monday 27th Oct

My Nanny was a character to say the least. She was as so friendly to every one she met, she had funny sayings and quirks which we still use today. This time of year it would be “The nights are drawing in”. When ever we got home from shopping she would say “home again home again jiggady jig”. When ever we had ice cream she would have us all saying “ice cream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream”. If she had beetroot on her plate she add “I’ll be true-t to you if you be true-t to me”. And two of my favourites when sleeping over their house she’d always tuck us in and say “goodnight god bless, see you in the morning with a cup of tea- up jumps grandad 1 2 3”, which was actually quite fitting as any night you stayed at their house  no matter how young or old you were grandad would bring every one up a cup of tea in bed in the mornings. 

Some of my favourite times were just sleeping over nanny and grandad house, we’d watch the bill and coronation street, have the tv blaring as grandad is very hard of hearing. She send us up the “wooden stairs to beddy byes” I’d stomp around the bathroom “ like a heard of elephants”. I’d always have one of nanny’s nighties and she had two dressing gowns ( one for me and one for her). She’d cover up the stupid picture of a Chinese samurai clown thing that would freak me out and tuck me in.  I remember being a young teen and really explaining to my friends how much of a great time I’d have there which I think they found really odd as it wasn’t anything special, it was just time with them which I loved. When I was 11 I actually dragged my friend along to sleep over too as I just thought it was the best thing ever. 

Growing up we would walk from her house to town, always going by the park, I have such found memories of stomping in leaves, collecting them and we would colour over them making patterns. Pure and simple memories of playing in the kitchen sorting all her cupboard out and serving pretend ice creams or pretend food from their little serving windows between the kitchen and the front room. 

She taught me so much.. from love, compassion and empathy to life skills like knitting, skin care and how not to over pluck my eyebrows.

She had so much patience and would let me sit on her lap plucking her face ( sorry Nanny) and doing her nails. I don’t ever remember being told off or scolded, it could suggest that I was just an absolute angel or she just had the patience of a saint. I’d like to think it’s a bit of both. 

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Legacy , lineage and laundry

Wednesday 8th Oct

One thing that always amazed me, even now as an adult was how she washed, dried and ironed our clothes in such a turn around. As a parent of two and some one who is forever  behind on washing, it blows my mind how we would stay one or two nights and leave for home with all of the washing done.. she was pretty amazing! 

I am really proud of how full my Nannie’s life was, she raised three daughters, which I can say hand on heart with one teenage daughter myself now, must have been challenging. She had a job in the telecommunications for BT. She made time for her sisters and always held family responsibilities as a priority. She was very well travelled, with many pictures of Hong Kong, Australia and Canada around the house. She loved the sun, you would often find her and grandad in the garden on their reclining deckchairs with cold used tea bags or slices of cucumber on their eyes. She loved to walk and I have lots of fond memories of crunching in the leaves on our walks this time of year. She was fiercely protective of “the kids” weather than be me and my cousins or her great grand children and that never really changed. I feel blessed to know Alesha still has lovely memories with Nannie and we still talk about her a lot in our day to day lives. Ben was much smaller when she passed away, by the time Ben was born Nannies memory was much worse. She could never quite recall his name but knew he was part of my “pigeon pair” as she would call it, one boy one girl the perfect pigeon pair- she would say to me when he was first born. I recall her coming to Somerset as both her and grandad would most Fridays as part of their routine. Mainly to see us but also to give grandad a bit of respite. We must have been going out for lunch and I was on maternity leave at the time and Nannie was determined to push his push chair, I think she got quite joking cross with me when I explained I had forgotten how to walk normally with out a push chair and off course she won and got to push him.

There are many things that Nannie accomplished in her life time which I am proud of however for me most of all is her drive to protect and care for little ones, even when she wasn’t 100% of their name she knew that they were part of our tribe and needed to be nurtured. Her loving caring ability to make you feel all warm on the inside as well as her sound advice is one of the biggest things I miss about her, but know she would be very proud of me wracking up these miles and raising money for such a good cause. 

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Making memories

Monday 6th Oct

When I talk to my cousins and sister we often have different things that are our favourite foodie memories about Nannie Anne. For some it is the way she made her mash potatoes, how she made sprinkle cake, others it’s her egg rolls, I know for myself and Chloe it will likely be ham and microwave chips covered in vinegar. Now I’m not saying nanny was not a good cook at all, I’m sure she was fabulous although I do remember grandad doing most of the cooking on big occasions, however I was quite a fussy eater as a child, give me a bowl of cheesy pasta and I’d be a very happy girl. But she always understood, didn’t force us and would always make sure we were well fed before sending us on our way with a choc ice in hand. 

For me as an adult it really amazes me the connections you make as a child between food and a memory.

I was about 5 or 6 the first time I experienced some one pass away, it was my great nanna Burnie (Grandad’s mum) and although I don’t remember a lot I do recall liquorice all sorts, chips (proper home made chips in the chip pan) with soya sauce on as well as her always tipping a bit of her cuppa tea in her saucer and drinking it from there.  My great Auntie Val ( Nannie’s big sister) at Christmas would always give all the kids a chocolate orange, even now when sat in the chilly months of the year and Jamie or I crack out a chocolate orange I can’t help but smile and think of her. 

Memories are an amazing thing that link us to snippets of how we felt at that moment that can be brought on by the smallest thing. To loose some one, as we all know is incredibly painful however when someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure, and I plan to treasure these memories for as long as I can. 

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The diagnosis

Sunday 5th Oct I think a lot about both my Nannie Anne and grandad Phil, about their resilience, coping mechanisms and what we didn’t see which was when they were struggling. Share

Reasons why…

Sunday 5th Oct Whilst there are likely hundreds of thousands of reasons why, for me, my reason is my nannie Anne. My Nannie ( I know my mum won’t mind it when I say this) was like a mum to me, she was my vary best favourite person in this entire universe. She understood me, made and kept space for me and always gave the best cwutches. It has been almost 7 years and still the grief can be suffocating . So as we can guess already my nannie had dementia… but that did not stop her from having a laugh and a joke. Infact we were incredibly lucky, whilst Nannie’s ability to recall if she had asked if you wanted a cup of tea for the 15th time that hour was impacted most of her personality wasn’t. She was physically mobile, enjoyed holidays, lunch out and day trips mostly with ease and with my grandad at her side being her fantastic carer.  Share