Sally Roberts

A HUGE THANK YOU

Monday 2nd Feb

Thank you to all my wonderful supporters enabling me to raise a tremendous amount of money. I really didn’t expect to get anywhere near that amount. My walking total for the month was 83.25 miles which I was delighted with.

On a final note, I just wanted to record my visit with Mum today, as much for myself but also to raise awareness of how very different each day is for someone with dementia.

Each visit to Mum evokes many different emotions. I talked about the sadness the other day which is always there, but having talked about Mum‘s lack of conversation, today was very different.  She was having bedrest,  she was very quiet when I entered the room and I did try to just sit quietly and just hold her hand to let her know I was there. Then I started to chat and talk about my visit to London at the  weekend . I could see she was becoming agitated and was whispering quietly, when I asked her to say something in her loudest voice she found the strength to tell me to shut up. This doesn’t upset me, I’d be the same if I was trying to rest and someone was chattering away disturbing me.  She then told me to go away and when I said you don’t mean that she said I do, but she smiled as she said it. We had some more sentences when I rang my sister Jo, which made a little bit of sense. 

I talked about mums wedding day and how for the for the first time my dad put brill cream in his hair and she really wasn’t keen on that look. She had tears in her eyes and I said do you remember that and she said of course I do.

I asked if she was fed up and she said yes, I asked if she was okay and she said yes , I said I’d go and get her a drink and she said don’t you dare , I said would you like me to stay and she said of course I would. These are the most words we have had for such a long time and I thought  how cruel it is to be locked inside your own mind not being able to express yourself and be heard .

 My sister sent me an article called

  “ When visiting someone with dementia feels pointless”.  we will never feel like that as we  will always be there for our  mum. Though what I have taken away from that article is even when Mum will forget I have visited, hopefully she will still have a feeling of safety, warmth and familiarity for a time after . I can only hope she has some comfort from my presence during the visit and after . 

When I left today, I snuggled a soft furry cat toy into her neck for comfort, kissed her forehead and I said I loved her a few times. She didn’t say it back today.  I think she’d had enough chatter, but there’s still hope that she will tell me again soon one day 

Thank you all for supporting and listening . Sally xxxx

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The grieving for someone with dementia is there long before you lose them .

Wednesday 28th Jan I had a very sad visit to see mum yesterday. That’s not unusual  to be honest , all visits leave me with a deep sense of sadness . Mum seems to have lost the ability to form words and find her voice . For a while she has had  huge difficulty communicating . There were words and sentences that didn’t make any sense where we would just nod and agree and make her feel like she was having a normal conversation with us . Now that has even gone and now there are very few spoken words  from mum. How I miss conversations with her , yes I can chat on and talk about memories and our lovely life together but I don’t know what she is thinking , whether I’m annoying her or making her sad . Whether she even knows who I am . Even a roll of her eyes or her very occasionally telling me to shut up is better than nothing. I would love to have  the chance for her to talk again to tell me how she is really feeling and make sure that she is safe and secure in her surroundings . She looks at me very intently and sometimes her face crumples and tears start falling and then my tears start falling and she looks at me with a sadness that I haven’t seen in her before . All I can do is be there for her and hold her hand  and tell her that I love her . I think she may never say that to me again, and that in itself is heartbreaking .  Share

Looking for the otter this morning

Saturday 24th Jan An otter was filmed playing in this wear on the road to Warkworth the other day. No sign of it today sadly . Just a short quick walk today . Share

This lovely girl cheered up my walk . She was such a softie

Saturday 24th Jan Share

Yesterdays walk was a bleak one

Saturday 24th Jan It was hard to keep my phone still to take the picture . The wind was howling . It strikes me how friendly everyone is when you’re out walking in wild weather , smiles of encouragement and talk of the wild seas . Share

Waves over the pier in amble today

Thursday 22nd Jan A very blustery walk today with fierce seas . No walking around the pier today . Share

Reached 50 miles today, but I’ll carry on walking

Friday 16th Jan Walk in Old Durham this morning to see these chaps Share

Still a little slippy underfoot

Saturday 10th Jan Share

Looking out to Coquet Island

Saturday 10th Jan Share

Lovely rock formations on the beach

Saturday 10th Jan Share

Beautiful walk this morning

Saturday 10th Jan I can’t believe how much I’m actually enjoying getting out there and walking . It’s cold and fresh but I’m wrapped up well and end up feeling toastie warm . Gorgeous blue skies today in amble Share

I wrote this one morning in November 2023 when I had dreamt of mum . She is so much worse now , it’s hard to believe .

Friday 9th Jan

I see my old  mum in my dreams. The woman she was , telling me what to do and full of life . And I don’t mind her telling me what to do,  I wish she could do that now . I don’t see my mum when I look at the woman in front of me with the glassy eyes which are very rarely open. And the woman who sits looking at her hands and moving invisible items around for minutes. This isn’t my old  mum. This is a person who has been struck by the devil that is dementia . Taking her personality, her memories , taking her away and leaving just a shell of the person in there . The memories are there but they can’t be expressed , they can’t quite be reached and the sadness surrounding that is unbearable and insufferable.  The conversations are blighted by strange words and tailing off because it’s just too hard . 

I want to see more of my old mum in my dreams where she was my mum, the original , bossy , stubborn ,beautiful, talented , sociable woman  she was x

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Flocks of widgeons by the shore

Friday 9th Jan Share

The north wind doth blow and we shall have snow

Friday 9th Jan A very cold and grey day today with ice underfoot but the longest walk I have done so far in January . Share

Reflections

Friday 9th Jan Grey Heron with curlew in the Little shore Amble Share

Reflections

Friday 9th Jan A photo from yesterdays walk Share