Walking Falkirk
Tuesday 21st Apr
We lost Mom quite unexpectedly in January of 2024 and I confess, I am grateful she went home to God when she did.
Because events happened as they did, we were spared losing her slowly. She knew her husband of over 65 years. She recognized and remembered all eight of the children she raised. She even knew her twenty-six grandchildeen on sight, if not by name.
In her last few years however, she had been increasingly freightened. Not because she was in peril, but because she was losing herself slowly, methodically to undiagnosed Dementia. Losing her epic Scrabble skills; losing her confidence and sense of self; losing touch.
The proud daughter of Irish American immigrants, she shunned the idea that she might be losing her faculties by hiding behind the convenience of ignorance. If she never heard the word Dementia from her doctor, then it could not, would not be a factor in her life. So she never did select a new doctor when her trusted medical professional retired six years before she passed. But that is not how Dementia works.
During the last two and a half years of her life, I stepped into their home every Friday at noon, so Dad could breathe. So Dad could step away and let his guard down. I became, her companion so he could take a break. She could not be alone, you see. Not because she was a danger to herself, but because to be alone was so very freightening. Seeing her afraid was always so very hard.
Maybe that sensation is behind my recent leap of faith. Maybe, I am trying, in some feable way, to live the bold life she always seemed to yearn for.
I am relatively new to Scotland, having emigrated a month ago. I am also relatively new to the kind of physicality that enables walking on a regular basis after years of inability. Knee replacement surgery last September has given me a new lease on walking for the sake of enjoyment. Suddenly and beautifully, I find myself in a new and inviting locale. So walking out to explore seems like fate.
So here I am. To honor Mom. To thank Dad for the years he stood at her side and kept her from being afraid. But also to say... I will not follow her path. Because it is hereditary in nature I suspect Dementia is coming for me as well, but I am not going to duck or hide. I am going to walk Falkirk. I am going to cling and claw and fight for every single day of being ME.
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